ok. so this one is tough. it’s amazing how much you consider relationships when you’re not in one. i’m not going to sugarcoat it. writing this one is painful and freeing at the same time. the reason i’m even sharing is the slew of appreciative private messages that poured into my inbox from single 20-something women after the bumble post… so. deep breath. here goes.

and a tip… the gold is at the end. stay with me.

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the power of relationships : the ultimate love of your life.

i recently did an audio program titled “The Ultimate Edge” by tony robbins. it was 21 days with a different topic each day. except for the “relationship” portion, which was two days. #ofcourse i was simultaneously irritated and relieved as he spoke largely to people in relationships. either way, my perception of relationships shifted in those two days, and then even further at unleash the power within, tony’s total immersion seminar.

the title of the section…  the power of relationships : the ultimate love of your life.

i totally get this concept of sharing life and how it “produces a synergy where one plus one equals more than two.” i know what it’s like to be in love. i know what it’s like to love someone. i know how it magnifies the human experience. not to the extent i know is possible, but i get the gist.

i totally get that i have to love myself first. and i do – i know what i need to give to myself in order to be in that place of self-love. and i actually DO it. i know that if you go into a relationship to GET that love instead of to GIVE that love, then there are two people starving and trying to take each other’s food.

i totally get his bullet points…

  1. go to a relationship to give, not to get. #imagiver
  2. keep your rules to a minimum #icouldworkonthis
  3. help your partner meet his needs #understandyourperson
  4. understand the importance of awareness and acceptance #recognizetriggersasfear

so, naturally, my next question is… ok. so i’m ready. where’s he at then? which is when tony says the words… select the qualities you need in a relationship. and i immediately feel selfish. like, whatttttt do you mean? isn’t this about who can be for him?

ok. fine, tony. i’ll do it. clarity is power. fine. i’ll create my ideal mate and my mate from hell. 

ideal mate best qualities – intelligent, happy, driven, active, adventurer, flexible career, puts others at ease

mate from hell worst qualities – angry/temper, mean, lazy, depressed/downer, egotistical, immature, doesn’t take care of his body, hates dogs

it gets worse better.

oh, but wait. then he has you design your ideal mate, and i immediately thought of the ken doll. what does my ken doll act like? this feels ridiculous.

ok. fine, tony. i’ll do it. clarity is power. fine. i’ll create my what kind of person would i have to be to attract such a mate? list.

i have to be – open to new experiences, real + humble, a hard worker, truly OFF during off-time, direct + communicative (in a loving way), high-vibing, a creative energy, and creator of surprise moments

you need to become the person you want to find. like attracts like.

water rises to the same level. 

then, it gets EVEN better.

he asks you to make a m a r k e t i n g   p l a n to attract such a mate. i love you, TR, but why did we have to call it a marketing plan?! #notsexy

  1. live by that list ^^^. be that girl.
  2. proximity is power. where is an environment i’ve been successful in finding people that i want in my life? where do i share emotions, common experiences, common goals?
    • the first thing that came to mind was coaching, which is 99% female. 🙂
  3. make a list of magic moments in the next relationship to stack those emotions and look for the little things.
    • so i’ve done this with one person. my first love. i still have that list. it’s still powerful. it’s like stepping back into my 16-year-old mind, and still carries so much love.
  4. when you get to that new relationship…
    • do something at least once every 10 days
    • go away together every 3-6 months
    • recap the magic moments and goal-set at least once a year
    • remember that there is no replacement for time

 

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so, now i have all this info. i take it in. i live it. i am that girl. i go to unleash the power within. i immerse myself in it. i hear others’ stories of loving one another through the storms. but it wasn’t until a few days ago that i recognized my resistance to this whole topic/exercise. i’m a gal who craves growth.

so why would this kind of uncomfort make me so uncomfortable?

i was sitting at my desk reflecting on all of this relationship business. on the concept of being the giver. and i figured out my issue… THE giver… oh, darling. you should not be THE giver in a relationship. you should be A GIVER.

i felt like the world shifted as i realized i had written about this. i pulled it up on blogspot (cause that’s where all the cool kids put their blogs in 2012). and fuck, you guys. my 20-year old perception of relationships needs a serious reboot. i REALLY thought that there was ONLY way to match a relationship was a giver + a getter. the idea that a giver + giver combination was a THING didn’t even cross my mind. it was like… i had heard that OVER and OVER in the program. i’d heard tony’s stories about he and his wife, sage, arguing who gets to give to the other in any given moment. i’d seen relationships be changed in front of my own eyes with his help. but for some reason it hadn’t clicked.

the room was spinning as i realized my subconcious has been seeking out people who NEED ME during my collegiate and post-collegiate life. no wonder nothing’s worked out – anything that fails to contribute is eliminated. i haven’t been letting others give. i’ve also been with some who are straight-up getters. boo.

because that’s what i thought i needed. that’s what i believed i was worthy of receiving. that’s the model that has been portrayed in my life over and over. but i say, “no more.” i recognize the root of the root here. the bud of the bud. i recognize what i deserve.

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we givers deserve givers.

mad love,

j

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ever since teenage-dom i’ve fantasized about backpacking + hostelling around europe. that was a time when the world was a little simpler : when solo travel didn’t have the scare factor that it does now. even so, i finally made it with a backpack to a hostel, but in monterey, california.

and i did it in true backpacker style. i called on the way TO the hostel. they had one bunk left. #thanksuniverse #youretheshit

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i pulled in late at night after hitting up the trader joe’s. my hands were full to the brim with all the dried mango. the 60-something, white-haired, extremely quirky, fisherman-meets-lumberjack of a host hands me 3 shower tokens before i teeter totter behind him around the space ending with the otter room for females only.

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i stayed up people watching and writing the LA post and reading. i was in a space of sheer gratitude to have seen big sur, to be in monterey, and to feel as i felt in my own skin. sitting in that little living room surrounded by kindred souls was beautiful. and they were nothing as i imagined. all ages + nationalities. i silently listened in on their conversations about life and love – finding the similarities among the differences. completely my speed compared to the rambunctious party-sphere i imagined.

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i slept above a large, heavy-snoring russian(?) woman who’s sounded eerily like my Junebug. like, seriously you guys, it was worthy of juniper snore-glory. i somehow woke up after 4 hours of sleep and booked it down to the dock. it was the most gorgeous sunrise i have ever seen. i’ll never forget that pink hue as the water raged and splashed (and downright soaked some fisherman).

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this beautiful state i take with me everywhere.

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mad love,

j

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i don’t know how deep i was in the veronica mars rabbit hole before realizing that this pch thing is actually an acronym for the pacific coast highway. with these west coast vibes running in my veins, i’ve been throwing around the acronym like it’s my job. probably cause i desperately want to be a local. either way, the T R U T H is that the pch really is as amazing/glorious/magnificent/awe-inspiring as everyone claims. as i sit and type this, i honestly am wishing that feeling were a language, because i’m struck with the realization that i have little idea how to share the emotion of this sacred, spiritual road.

i can say this. i started in LA one woman, and two days later i landed in SF as someone with new dreams.

SANTA BARBARA

santa barbara was fancy, y’all. you could just feel the california wealth oozing out of this place. it was a kind of laid back wealth, nothing like a big city. a more quiet wealth. but boy was it there. so… what did i do? i went to the mission and tapped into a spiritual place of healing. i did my daily personal development, which happened to be on relationships, on a bench in front of this beautiful fig tree surrounded by couples walking by and taking in the quiet beauty of this place. talk about divine intervention, right?

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SAN LUIS OBISPO || SLO

this little town with its rolling hills and happy folk stole a little piece of my heart. if i was from the west coast, i imagine i would have found myself here for college at cal poly. i walked around the heart of main street petting puppies, slipping into boutiques, and even stopping by the local day of the dead festival. i saw toddlers slurping down on watermelon + cucumber slices, splashing in fountains, and dancing unabashedly to the mariachi. can you just feel that energy? so light, so humble, so free.

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#SEALS #needisaymore

i wish we could view all animals in their natural habitat like this! let’s just say seals are playful and sassy!

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GROVER BEACH

i stopped in grover beach for the night at a adorable little airbnb hosted by three lovelies originally from pensacola, florida. a coffee grinder. a baker. a juicer. can you imagine all the yummy things they must get into? i felt the vibe for the people here – the people just far enough north of LA to still feel spicy, but not salty. the people here were awake, alive, but also rooted. i believe it’s that earthy feeling that comes with being so close to the sea. it’s scary with immensity, but also comforting in its rhythm.

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BIG SUR

big sur is a unreal. it was so humbling being in this space of beauty, grounded with my toes in the sand. i wish i could have taken you with me, because the pictures don’t truly represent its majesty.

Pfeiffer Beach
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Bixby Bridge

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CARMEL-BY-THE-SEA || MONTEREY

i spent so little time here, but i really internalized the charm of these spaces. carmel-by-the-sea is this little quaint area with super ritzy stores. it felt like walking through an oxymoron. don’t get me wrong – it was so cute! but i felt simultaneously comfortable in my own skin and uncomfortable in this setting. it didn’t feel like a destination for people like me.

you’ll find the combination of wine tasting + art gallery full to the brim with retired couples on every corner. there are endless plates of italian food on little patios straight out of lady and the tramp. devouring these fancy pasta dishes and tiramisu are young couples with kids or those retired couples i mentioned [probably before they go drink the night away]. i stopped by the beach here and saw much of the same – older couples making out [yep.] or kids screaming taking selfies playing by the ocean.

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monterey, by contrast, was much younger. i saw a lot more people my age either coupled or with friends. the most formative thing i did in monterey was stay in a hostel, where i again felt simultaneously comfortable and uncomfortable. but that deserves a post unto its own.

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SALINAS, CALIFORNIA

i drove inland a bit for my last night before heading to SF. i found a converted bus on airbnb, and was ALL IN. how fun, right? the host couple was so nice, and their little dog ginger helped ease my i-miss-juniper pain. it was a few miles outside the tiny town of salinas, with a driveway 1/2mi long. there were dogs and cats running around everywhere on the dirt roads. it made me feel closer to my dad in a way, who grew up in northern california on acres of land. this part of the journey was totally solo – kind of like how my dad grew up. no friends with me. no friends in the area. it was a quiet little retreat in salinas, but pops, how the heck did you grow up for years in a space so lonesome?

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SO. WHAT DOES IT COME DOWN TO?

i recognized the blessing that we have in our country to be able to choose so many different lifestyles because of the different spaces available to us…

a twinkly, cheerful, upbeat town like SLO

a laid back, no frills seaside like grover beach

a deceivingly swanky village like carmel-by-the-sea

a quiet, peaceful, backwoods vibe like salinas

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having this journey made me realize how where we live can impact our lifestyle to an extent that i never imagined. as the journey continued i became bolder and bolder in what kind  of lifestyle i want – one that i hadn’t imagined – one that i *never* would have guessed i wanted.

stay tuned, lovelies.

mad love, j

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the post that launched the worry

i posted this honest thought on facebook, hoping to connect with the other twenty-something women and men out there who might be feeling the same way. hoping to give them hope – even though their newsfeeds are full of engagments, weddings, and babies – that they aren’t alone. that it’s ok. that they have time.

and then all my c o u p l e d friends piped in. 🙂 and i love them for it because i know their stories. like my mj who has enough online dating horror stories for her own memoir. or my beanard who has been searching for a long time – he’s the one we all wondered… how the FUCK has no one snatched him up yet? he’s golden.

the general sentiment from friends and onlookers went something like this…

jasmine. don’t worry boo! it’ll happen when it’s supposed to happen. trust the process, love.

so here’s where i’m at.

maybe this is just my sagittarius-influenced blinding idealism, but, y’all. i’m really ok! i have total faith my soulmate is out there. i have total trust that the universe will bring him around when the time is right. i have total belief that he’s all the things i need and is sexy AF as well. i’m at peace. i’m excited to meet him whenever that might be. or HELL maybe I already have? how crazy would THAT be?! so, maybe a twinge of antsy-ness, but generally, at peace.

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but don’t you wish you had an adventure partner?

i recognize that the reason why we have partners | soulmates | girlfriends | boyfriends is because the human experience is so much richer when you share it. i get that. but i’ve never been one to let that stop me from experiencing as fully possible right now in the moment.

would i like someone to eat the raisins out of my trail mix? save me from myself with that entire packet of dried mango? drive at night when i’m half asleep and walking the line between outrageous and amazing? dance to electronica on the edge of a cliff with me? take pictures of me so i don’t have to ALWAYS break out the selfie stick? drive me crazy? yes.

but the flip side…

would he like someone to plan adventures to a surprise spot that he didn’t even know existed? give him all the raisins in the trail mix? buy him turkey jerky despite my vegan tendencies? blast + belt girly pop in the car with? be a sunrise run buddy | makeout pro? stop at every dog-always-no matter what? drive him crazy? yes.

get ready, world. we’re gonna change ya. plain + simple. just gotta find each other first.

thanks universe, in advance, for bringing us together.

mad love,

j

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IYQ. Say it. Yes, out loud. That’s how I feel about LA + LB. IYQ.

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los angeles lessons

I learned three things in LA. Don’t things always come in threes?

1. i like fit friends.

it was my first full day in LA. my girl alex goes… so you wanna run three miles tonight. you can imagine my face. there would have been zero had she implanted the words lift  or hike  or netflix  or even bike  instead of run three miles. because with those words the piccolo-playing 7th grader in me – you know, the one with one of the slowest mile times, peeked her little head out, shivering with fright. i’m pretty proud of how quickly the 25-yo woman that i am today assured her that the jump-squatting, high-kneeing, kickboxing badass that she is would do just fine.

so at 10pm that night (with some reservation), we headed into downtown LA with the bLAcklist to run 3.5 miles with a massive heard of high vibing lovelies to a mural and back with the help of pacers, music, and even a pitbull leading the pack. [yep, you read that correctly. he kissed me.] i haven’t ever been one to qualify myself as a runner, but in the words of alex, “fuck that shit.”

with the ocean blasting in my headphones, i almost cried. #catharsis emotions were running high, but in a good way. like fucking rocky or something. conquering this crazy fear i’ve had forever. a testament to how my fitness has changed my mindset + how my mindset has changed my fitness. i felt like a fucking warrior.

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and it was on the way home that i realized how much fit friends mean to me. seems like it should go without saying, right? but the T R U T H is that in rva, i don’t have fit friends. and fit friends make a H U G E difference. i am surrounded by coach babes on the interwebs day and night, but to have alex right there in person ready to hike and run and GET IT. #priceless.

2. trust your intuition.

i felt this need to hike the Hollywood Sign. it’s the ONLY thing i really wanted to do in LA.so boom goes the dynamite, i drove all the way up to hollywood to hike and had zero expectations. i just wanted the picture. #vain

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the first part of the hike is like, straight uphill. y’all. booty be working! i bet this is all the Kardashians do. they just hike that one hill. cause DAMN. but then i came to the overlook and my jaw dropped. it was this moment frozen in time – like this is exactly the place i’m supposed to be in exactly this moment. i can’t explain it more than that. but it felt so right. so i accepted it from the universe with lots of gratitude.

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3. downtown LA is BEAUTIFUL.

i could never live there. too busy. too fast. but i definitely wouldn’t be opposed to living closer. you can take that as an official hint. 😉

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long beach living

so, when i was a kid, i loved baywatch. WEIRD, right?! i liked the storyline. and david hasselhoff. when we’d go to the beach i’d pretend i was a lifeguard saving someone. i’d try to run into the water really fast – the way that the babes did. i like yasmine bleeth. cause my name is jasmine. see the connection?

anyway, i meandered on down to long beach for a day to sit on the beach and watch the waves. and i found a lifeguard stand. and i might have had a mini photo session. i’m not mad about it. 🙂

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mad love,

jasmine

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