Disclaimer : I’m not giving you the setting for this. It’s confidential. But I know you, lovely, and I know you understand. Thanks for that.
And then she said, “Jasmine, the whole time you were sitting up there I kept wondering… What would you be like if you didn’t have to be good for anyone?”
And then I said, “Thank you.”
And then I thought. Hmm. That’s interesting. I really don’t see myself like that. I squinted one eye. I tilted my head. What an interesting conclusion.
I was on the edge of brushing it off, because as the queen of self-identity, I’m quick to assume that there is no way another’s opinion of me could possibly be illuminating. Just as I was about to tip over, I pulled back. I pulled back because I noted the response from everyone else in the room : a row of glorious twinkly-eyed people nodding, bobbing in agreement in this deeply-rooted knowledgable way. It’s as if they were all riding the same wave of intuition about ME of which I was somehow unaware. It was only a fleeting moment as we moved along to the next lovely in the bunch, but I bookmarked it in my mind. Jas, you gotta reflect on this one. So here I am. Officially reflecting.
With that same squint of an eye-tilt of a head look on my face, a million questions float around my mind without time to stop and answer them. I guess that’s why writing works so well : it makes us slow down.
Question. Why did you think that? What did I say while on that seat? The questions came so rapid fire. I don’t quite remember. I must have said something to make you wonder… Jasmine, what would you be like if you didn’t have to be good for anyone?”
- I said that I like to receive love in terms of Quality Time and Acts of Service.
- I said that I like to give love in the same way… that I’m a ‘doer.’
- I said I’m seeking depth in my relationships; that it’s going well with my family; that I went away for a long time and came back to heal those relationships.
- I said that I’m not in a romantic relationship, but that I have new male friendships; that they’ve been refreshing because they release expectation.
- I said that I’m looking for depth; that my last relationship didn’t have it.
- I said that I was introduced to this community by a friend even though that label didn’t seem like it fit; that this whole thing sounded like it would be healing for women. But I didn’t need healing.
But you know what? I absolutely do. I just hadn’t realized it yet.
- I said that I was blunt; that generally know what I want. That thought jarred me though. More to come on that in another post.
- I said that I wanted depth most. I lied. My first thought was something unexpected.
How’d I do? How’d I do? How’d I perform? How’d I perform?
Did I answer the questions alright? Did I think quickly enough?
Well, Jas, the point wasn’t to do anything or be anything. The point was simply just to be-connect-feel. #nogoal The fact that it took you 3 drafts of this blog post to realize that you’re asking yourself those questions in response to that other question is the whole fucking point. Asking those questions is really just confirming that you’re seeking to serve; you’re trying to be good for everyone else. Instead, why not just be you, and let that be the service?
Admittedly during this entire collaborative environment, I was definitely teeter-tottering on the line of just being me + acting to be seen as significant // comfortable. Somewhere in life those have been linked as synonymous. I’m significant if others see me as comfortable in my own skin (whether or not I actually am) in any given moment. So, was I actually comfortable in my own skin or was I just pretending to be? Moments of both.
stop talking in circles! what can you takeaway from this today?
Ok, so last question. Let’s give ourselves some feedback. Let’s move forward. Let’s get back to divine connection + abundant gratitude. How do you put your best foot forward but also be real? Duh, Jonte. That IS your best foot forward. That’s what I intended. That’s what I tried. Don’t we all? But if that’s our aim, to be real and raw and authentic, then we have to stop trying to fight the conditioning of perfectionism // social norms // culture, and just let go.