i fucked up today

I let a friend down. Then I let another friend down. Then I let myself down. The details are unimportant. The fact that it happened… THAT is important. The fact that I decided to move THROUGH it, not over it or under it or around it… THAT is important. Here is how it went.

I’m sitting our dark kitchen table at noon, teeter tottering over the edge and staring blankly at the 1000-piece puzzle. But beyond my vacant expression was a battle. My mind is trying to focus SO intensely on the puzzle… as if somehow when I snap another piece into place I’ll consider myself productive. No. Bullshit. I’m avoiding the pain — the pain that comes with the recognition of BULLSHIT. That my actions in how I treated my friends were BULLSHIT. That this avoidance of dealing is BULLSHIT.

Have you ever felt like that? It’s like there are loud knocks at the door of your mind, trying to wake you up to the fact that you’re in deep shit. So you cover your ears.

I would have loved to blame Mercury in Retrograde or the Holidaze Craze, but I’m past that. I can’t entertain the thought of blaming another for a moment before my subconscious calls bullshit. As it always does. My bullshit meter has become startling more accurate over the past year, much to my own joy. And truly, I mean that. JOY. Because my greatest fear is mediocrity. I don’t want to lead a mediocre life – I want OUTSTANDING. Outstanding in my relationships, in my adventures, in my contributions. And no one got to outstanding without calling bullshit many times a day.

So I’m sitting there. I want to get up, but something holds me in place. I’m staring at this puzzle piece. It’s a dark one without a peculiar shape. It’s just what you’d draw if someone asked you to draw a puzzle piece. It’s that ordinary. But if you turn it clockwise, just 2mm to the left, then you see exactly where it fits.

So that’s what I did. I turned my puzzle piece of [read : apathy] 2mm to the left to see a new perspective. That’s all it takes. Just a shift of mindset so quick, you almost don’t feel it. And instead of trying to just numb the bad shit, I asked some questions… some empowering questions…

  • What is the lesson here?
  • What can I learn from this?
  • What steps can I take to turn this around?

Later that day, as I met my friends with all of my heart and true intention of love, I asked that the Universe use me to serve. Help me be  they need. I took score of my tendency to not think. Usually with me, that’s what it comes down to – that I just didn’t consider something that I should have thought to consider. My carefree can tend toward the careless.

Friendships were repaired. Things were resolved. And much to my surprise, so much of this was timing. I asked the wrong thing at the wrong time or I didn’t explain / communicate enough at the wrong time. But I think divine timing was still at work. Because I needed to be reminded of this 2mm shift in perspective.

It all comes back to that. Life has the meaning you give it.

Mad love,

J

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