oh, darling.

ok. so this one is tough. it’s amazing how much you consider relationships when you’re not in one. i’m not going to sugarcoat it. writing this one is painful and freeing at the same time. the reason i’m even sharing is the slew of appreciative private messages that poured into my inbox from single 20-something women after the bumble post… so. deep breath. here goes.

and a tip… the gold is at the end. stay with me.

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the power of relationships : the ultimate love of your life.

i recently did an audio program titled “The Ultimate Edge” by tony robbins. it was 21 days with a different topic each day. except for the “relationship” portion, which was two days. #ofcourse i was simultaneously irritated and relieved as he spoke largely to people in relationships. either way, my perception of relationships shifted in those two days, and then even further at unleash the power within, tony’s total immersion seminar.

the title of the section…  the power of relationships : the ultimate love of your life.

i totally get this concept of sharing life and how it “produces a synergy where one plus one equals more than two.” i know what it’s like to be in love. i know what it’s like to love someone. i know how it magnifies the human experience. not to the extent i know is possible, but i get the gist.

i totally get that i have to love myself first. and i do – i know what i need to give to myself in order to be in that place of self-love. and i actually DO it. i know that if you go into a relationship to GET that love instead of to GIVE that love, then there are two people starving and trying to take each other’s food.

i totally get his bullet points…

  1. go to a relationship to give, not to get. #imagiver
  2. keep your rules to a minimum #icouldworkonthis
  3. help your partner meet his needs #understandyourperson
  4. understand the importance of awareness and acceptance #recognizetriggersasfear

so, naturally, my next question is… ok. so i’m ready. where’s he at then? which is when tony says the words… select the qualities you need in a relationship. and i immediately feel selfish. like, whatttttt do you mean? isn’t this about who can be for him?

ok. fine, tony. i’ll do it. clarity is power. fine. i’ll create my ideal mate and my mate from hell. 

ideal mate best qualities – intelligent, happy, driven, active, adventurer, flexible career, puts others at ease

mate from hell worst qualities – angry/temper, mean, lazy, depressed/downer, egotistical, immature, doesn’t take care of his body, hates dogs

it gets worse better.

oh, but wait. then he has you design your ideal mate, and i immediately thought of the ken doll. what does my ken doll act like? this feels ridiculous.

ok. fine, tony. i’ll do it. clarity is power. fine. i’ll create my what kind of person would i have to be to attract such a mate? list.

i have to be – open to new experiences, real + humble, a hard worker, truly OFF during off-time, direct + communicative (in a loving way), high-vibing, a creative energy, and creator of surprise moments

you need to become the person you want to find. like attracts like.

water rises to the same level. 

then, it gets EVEN better.

he asks you to make a m a r k e t i n g   p l a n to attract such a mate. i love you, TR, but why did we have to call it a marketing plan?! #notsexy

  1. live by that list ^^^. be that girl.
  2. proximity is power. where is an environment i’ve been successful in finding people that i want in my life? where do i share emotions, common experiences, common goals?
    • the first thing that came to mind was coaching, which is 99% female. 🙂
  3. make a list of magic moments in the next relationship to stack those emotions and look for the little things.
    • so i’ve done this with one person. my first love. i still have that list. it’s still powerful. it’s like stepping back into my 16-year-old mind, and still carries so much love.
  4. when you get to that new relationship…
    • do something at least once every 10 days
    • go away together every 3-6 months
    • recap the magic moments and goal-set at least once a year
    • remember that there is no replacement for time

 

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so, now i have all this info. i take it in. i live it. i am that girl. i go to unleash the power within. i immerse myself in it. i hear others’ stories of loving one another through the storms. but it wasn’t until a few days ago that i recognized my resistance to this whole topic/exercise. i’m a gal who craves growth.

so why would this kind of uncomfort make me so uncomfortable?

i was sitting at my desk reflecting on all of this relationship business. on the concept of being the giver. and i figured out my issue… THE giver… oh, darling. you should not be THE giver in a relationship. you should be A GIVER.

i felt like the world shifted as i realized i had written about this. i pulled it up on blogspot (cause that’s where all the cool kids put their blogs in 2012). and fuck, you guys. my 20-year old perception of relationships needs a serious reboot. i REALLY thought that there was ONLY way to match a relationship was a giver + a getter. the idea that a giver + giver combination was a THING didn’t even cross my mind. it was like… i had heard that OVER and OVER in the program. i’d heard tony’s stories about he and his wife, sage, arguing who gets to give to the other in any given moment. i’d seen relationships be changed in front of my own eyes with his help. but for some reason it hadn’t clicked.

the room was spinning as i realized my subconcious has been seeking out people who NEED ME during my collegiate and post-collegiate life. no wonder nothing’s worked out – anything that fails to contribute is eliminated. i haven’t been letting others give. i’ve also been with some who are straight-up getters. boo.

because that’s what i thought i needed. that’s what i believed i was worthy of receiving. that’s the model that has been portrayed in my life over and over. but i say, “no more.” i recognize the root of the root here. the bud of the bud. i recognize what i deserve.

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we givers deserve givers.

mad love,

j

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1 Comment

  1. Kiki Mann
    May 2, 2017 / 11:22 pm

    Sometimes the insistence on being the giver is linked to a need for control and security — I’ll always be needed, I can always be in control of meeting the need, and I’ll always be in control of my expectations (disappointment) to never have my own needs fully met because my need to be needed provides a security that I need more than having my other needs met, or taking the risk of exposing my needs and being truly disappointed – the subconscious is very tricky like that.

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