dear men of bumble.

dear-men-of-bumble

dear men of bumble,

first off, let me just say you’re a cute an attractive bunch. truly. you may have seen me somewhere within the swipe left, swipe right rhythm that you get into late at night. i’m here today to thank you + help you.

let’s get to the thanking. this year i ended a 4 year relationship, and i so appreciate you for giving me a space to dip my toe into the water of this dating-in-your-mid-20s thing with zero intimidation. it’s lovely. i swipe, mostly left. i see what’s out there while doing things like waiting in line at the grocery store, waiting for the tea kettle to whistle, or waiting for the gas to pump. it these empty moments i can begin wrap my brain around legitimately getting back into the dating pool with one slide of the thumb to the next. so, thanks fellas. it brings hope to see there are men out there who seem to be legit. #seriously

as an act of gratitude, i’m here to help you land the lady of your dreams. i’m going to go ahead and friend zone myself for now and tell you what you might be able to do a bit better, assuming that you’re a nice guy looking for a nice girl with whom you’ll spend your days [and nights. bow chica wow wow].

  1. your first photo has to be on point. for real. it has to be a stellar, clear photo of you in your current age, and preferably clothed. no one wants to date someone with an ego, even if the ego has a bangin’ bod. if that first pic isn’t fresh, we swipe left.
  2. your other photos need to share who you are… like…
    • do you have a dog? no? ok, then borrow one, cause those puppy pictures work.
    • do you like to travel? share a pic of you at the beach, cause it’s way less creepy than a mirror pic of your abs. also, note, you don’t HAVE to share a pic of your bod. i don’t.
    • do you like to eat? take a snap with your fave food. be honest. if you only eat pizza, then share a photo of you with pizza. you’ll find the girl out there who only eats pizza too.
    • do you have a sister? pics with the sis are a big win! just make sure it’s a pic where i can clearly tell it’s your sister. or i’m thinking it’s an ex- who i already have to measure up to. #nofun
  3. you need to have a bio. for real. don’t feel like you have to say something witty or charming, but if you do, that’s a perk! just say SOMETHING. my favorites bios include…
    • ‘bumble bumble butt, bumble bumble bumble butt’
    • looking for a running buddy/travel partner/wedding date/soulmate
    • i like early 2000s chick flicks
    • a claim to fame/cool story
    • mention of your insta or fb acct – it’s nice to see how legit you are

oh, and bonus, for the ladies currently nodding their heads. i have immediate swipe left triggers. like, doesn’t matter how fine the bumbler is – it’s a no-go for me. here are mine, and i’m curious to know what yours are!

  • a bumbler has more than a couple pictures with alcohol, because i drink very little (so little so, in fact, that I needed spell check to spell alcohol just now)
  • a bumbler who has a gun or dead animals in his photo (#imavegan)
  • a bumbler who is a drummer of any way, shape, or form
  • a bumbler has nothing written in his profile
  • a bumbler who doesn’t respond back with a question after i’ve asked them a question in chat. if the bumbler can’t communicate, it’s a no-go.
  • a bumbler that sees my fb linked and then adds me as a friend on fb… that’s not the purpose.

so, men. go get her. go get that lady of your dreams. go rock her world. i believe in you. like i said, you’re a mighty attractive bunch.

with love and rare right swipes,

jasmine

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2 Comments

  1. May 19, 2017 / 11:33 pm

    Haha- I loved reading this! I’m just curious.. Why the drummer bit? What you got against drummers?

    • Jasmine
      May 20, 2017 / 1:00 pm

      Oh darling. <3 This is TOTALLY a me thing. There's this crazy thing about me. I've never dated anyone who isn't // wasn't a drummer. Crazy, right?! Even when I've met people once I've left the drumline environment and been out... they'll tell me that they were a drummer in high school or something. I've even had drummers who I swipe left on Bumble find me and add me on Facebook for a second attempt. It's insane. Obviously, this whole drummer thing has never worked out. So I'm looking for someone who isn't a drummer. Hahaha. Thanks for reading, dollface.

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